Sometime last week, we reached that point where a trip to the grocery store was no longer avoidable.
Back in my pre-marriage, pre-kids era, it was pretty impressive how long I could put it off. I would scour the darkest recesses of my cabinets to find that random can of whatever, the odd bag of pasta, and those questionable produce items to somehow whip into a meal. To be fair, I still do this (my husband often refers to these meals as shoelace soup). But our toddler seems to survive on milk, berries, and cheese, and the shelf life of said items requires going to the grocery store at a higher frequency. And if I’m going anyway, we might as well plan for some meals that don’t involve cutting off the moldy part of anything.
So then the big question for my husband: What do we want to eat this week?
I once saw a post on social media that said: Marriage is just deciding what you’re going to have for dinner every night until you die. It was one of those posts that (while morbid) made me laugh out loud because it rang so true. We all have to eat, which means we’ve all got to decide what we’re going to eat day in and day out. When you’re pressed for time and energy, it feels like a grind.
And when you’ve bound your life to another human being, you do it together. Forever.
Unless you want to die sooner, I suppose. No pressure.
As I was taking stock of the pantry and jotting down items for the grocery list, I noticed we were low on snacks. Which seemed odd, given I distinctly remembered buying quite a few the last time. Had we really gone through two sleeves of soda? And multiple bags of chips? And we ate our whole stash of chocolate already?!
Geez, I thought to myself. These were supposed to be treats, not something we devoured with reckless abandon. But between hunkering down for a cold New England winter and adjusting to life with a newborn, it appeared both my husband and I were fueling ourselves with Ruffles and Diet Coke.
Meanwhile, our toddler is now capable of opening cupboards and helping himself to whatever he finds. He started asking for some of the more indulgent items he found. Time and time again, I found myself saying, “Sorry babe, that’s just for mama and papa,” or telling my husband, “I don’t know if we should be giving him that, that’s a ton of sugar!” When we talked about it later, we realized: If we’re not giving these things to him to protect his health, why are we not giving our own health the same consideration?
My husband and I consider ourselves fairly active people who generally eat in a balanced way. However, we go through seasons – like right now – when we start to indulge in stress-eating and reaching for whatever is fast and easy. It was eye-opening to realize we wouldn’t feed our son that way, yet had no problem eating that way ourselves.
To be clear, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with snacking. But food is tricky; we need it to survive, but also the kind of foods we reach for (both the ones we want and the ones we tell ourselves we should want) are informed by so many things. Diets demonize certain foods while putting others on a pedestal. Some of the foods we grew up eating we’ve categorized as “comfort food” – or have dumped in the bucket of being “bad for me.” We might think we have a healthy relationship with food; but the second we want to lose a few pounds we side-eye every dish and food item, wondering if that will be the thing that makes or breaks the scale (I tend to find myself in that last category pretty frequently).
As my husband and I worked on the grocery list, it was helpful to have this conversation about food in a way that focused less on specific foods and more on why we were choosing the foods that we were. If food is a necessary part of living, then what’s our “why” for choosing the foods that we do? What are our values when it comes to how we nourish our bodies? We came up with a few:
We want to feel good and strong; what we eat influences that.
We want to eat in a way that will extend our lives, not shorten them.
We want to enjoy the food that we eat.
We want to eat food that’s good for the planet.
We want to model positive eating habits for our little ones who won’t always be little and will have to make these decisions for themselves someday.
When we started thinking along those lines, it brought a lot of clarity to what we might put in our cart and what we might leave on the shelves. “You value your health and should act accordingly” feels like a much better reason to make a choice than, “You’re not allowed to eat chips anymore because they’re bad.” One approach focuses on my agency and centers the reason behind my actions. The other feels like a test I’m supposed to pass to prove to myself I have the willpower to just say no. That feels neither sustainable or helpful.
Chips still made it into the shopping cart; just not so many and the ones we chose were made with minimal ingredients and no preservatives. Same with chocolate. After all, enjoying the food we eat is one of our guiding values. So if we’re going to indulge that sweet tooth, we’re going to do it in a way that feels good for our family.
And if it gives me permission to reach for the high quality stuff, it feels like a win.
Small victories 🏅
Our little baby reached her six week mark! Wild. As they say, the days are long but the years are short. I both feel like I’m stuck on a merry-go-round of eat-play-sleep and like that time is vanishing before my very eyes. Here’s to savoring life’s fleeting moments.
Hot mess recs 🔥
Like I mentioned, fad diets are everywhere. There’s nothing wrong with them, especially if you find one that works well for you and aligns with your values! But my favorite piece of advice around eating actually comes from New York Times writer Mark Bittman: Eat real food. Mostly plants. Not too much. That advice has served me well through the years.
Along the lines of eating real food, I’ve leaned into making my own sweet treats instead of buying candy. I had my eyes on this gochujang caramel cookies recipe for awhile and finally made them; they are soooo good.
Jess has been on a bit of a health(ier) kick in the lead-up to her wedding next month (!), so she and Dylan have been trying to cook more. Some of her favorite recent recipes are this udon dish with honey-glazed mushrooms and this taverna salad with pan-fried halloumi, both from the Times; and these delightful TikTok-trendy salmon sushi cups, which she can attest are great to bring to a party as a shareable snack.
Send us a note 💌
We’re still on the lookout for guest writers! What’s something you’ve been reflecting on recently, or an experience you’ve had that others might benefit from hearing? We’d love to work on an essay about it with you. We’re at goshdarnmess@gmail.com.
Stay warm,
Sam