Am I ready to go back?
Saying goodbye to parental leave
In the lead up to the end of my maternity leave, I've had many people reach out with well wishes and encouragement. I've also been asked the big question: Are you ready to go back?
My answer? Oof.
The past five months have been a blur. I feel like I've experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, sometimes in the same day. The hours, days, weeks have passed in a blink of an eye, while also crawling by at a glacial pace. The monotony of my sleep-eat-play-sleep-eat-play routine have felt like a perpetual Groundhog Day, one where I fall into bed exhausted each night while not quite being able to put my finger on what I even did that day.
In some ways, I've felt very ready to go back to work. I've grown to miss random conversations in the office kitchen and being able to enjoy a proper lunch without staring at a baby monitor. I feel ready to dust off the old work laptop, check the hundreds of emails I've missed, and set up those first few Zoom meetings with colleagues to get me up to speed. My mind has been mulling over episode ideas for Harvard Thinking, the podcast I host and produce for the university. Rumor has it, it's been a rocky few months for Harvard in my absence (👀). I'm looking forward to re-engaging with the working world and dipping my toes back in the waters of adult society.
I've also cried almost every day for the past two weeks.
My daily routine has centered around my children. Many days I've had no reason to put on real clothes or contemplate what's going on beyond the doors of my home. With my husband working, my attention has focused on making sure our kids are fed, bathed, rested, entertained. I've cherished this time to be fully present, even as it's felt like a grind at times. I've got to make lunch again? When was the last time I took a shower? Caring about all of those things has been important; now I need to care about those things and find the mental space to focus on my career again.
These past few weeks I've found myself losing sleep, staring off into space, and getting frustrated over small things. What's wrong with me? I've thought to myself. And what I've come to realize is that while my mind has been preparing for this transition, my heart hasn't quite gotten the memo. This lack of alignment has resulted in a feeling of whiplash, bouncing back and forth between "send me back now" and "how could I ever step foot in an office again?"
I've been reflecting on the return-to-work experience I had with my son a little over three years ago. I was at a different job, with different co-workers, and it was during the pandemic so my “office” was a room upstairs. Leading up to my first day of work, I felt more and more anxious. To be honest, I was more than anxious; I was questioning whether I should return to work at all. A job and career path that had felt so meaningful to me a mere four months before waned in comparison when I looked at my son.
The pre-kids-Sam and the after-kids-Sam were two totally different people, with different priorities and goals. The things I cared about had shifted so dramatically that I couldn't imagine myself caring about work the same way I had before I went on leave. And at the same time – thanks to sleep deprivation and the intensity of motherhood – I was also losing a grip on everything that made me… me. I both loved being a mom and also dreaded the expectations that came with it.
Those days, my brain ran kind of like this: I love my baby more than anything in the world and also I might lose my mind if I don't get a break; I desperately want time for myself but the second I leave the room I feel like my heart is going to shatter in my chest; husband, please take this baby but also why are they crying so give them back to me right now; I trust you, I do, but also I must do everything myself because if I don't then the world might end. Look at how precious they are – how did anything else I ever cared about actually matter? But also – what about me? Do I matter? Does what I want matter anymore?
A lot of these same thoughts have resurfaced this time around. It's confusing, and sometimes scary, to make peace with such conflicting emotions. But with the benefit of hindsight and talking to other moms, I also know that these feelings are quite common. Having gone through this experience before has helped me know that this transition will bring with it all the feels – on their own timeline – before I settle into a new normal yet again.
Oddly enough, “adding” work back into my life gave me time away from mom duty. With that time away, I was able to gain perspective and intentionally choose what I spent my energy on (both physically and mentally). Returning to work forced me to think about the ways I'd evolved and provided an opportunity to take a hard look at what mattered beyond my kids. My priorities had changed; but it didn't mean I needed to surrender every part of who I was. There were parts of me – creative pursuits, hobbies, relationships, career aspirations – that I still cared about, and having the space to sort through what to keep and what to let go allowed me to have more balance in the new life we created when we started a family.
This time, I've tried to remember those learnings and see this moment as an opportunity to recalibrate and create room for the things that matter most. It's good and healthy to give myself space to grieve the end of this special time with my baby... while also looking forward to the opportunities that might present themselves when I start working again.
As I'm writing this, I've officially returned to work. I passed on the proverbial torch of parental leave to my husband, thrusting our giggly, wiggly five-month-old daughter into his care for the next few months while I figure out how to interact with adults again.
And my first day back? It wasn't as bad as I'd feared. I may not have the balancing act figured out yet, but I’m confident I’ll get there.
Small victories 🏅
With my return to work, I’ve also tried to take stock of other areas of my life that could use some TLC. Over the last few weeks I’ve found time to slowly build back a workout routine, meet up with friends, and even advocate for a work schedule that will allow me more time with my babes. For me, those are huge wins!
Hot mess recs 🔥
Speaking of meeting up with friends, a near constant conversation in our household is how difficult it becomes to sustain close friendships as a parent. And it’s even harder for guys! We really appreciated this article from the New York Times called “Where Have All My Deep Male Friendships Gone?” Here’s a gift link to access the full piece.
In our last edition, Jess mentioned that her colleagues at the Wall Street Journal published an exposé on the Medicare Advantage program – a series that almost won them a Pulitzer. Well, for those of you who’d rather hear than read the story, Jess and her team at the Journal podcast put together a two-parter also titled Medicare, Inc. Part 1 is about how insurance companies Medicare Advantage encouraged their healthcare providers to add questionable diagnoses to patient charts. . . and made billions of dollars in the process. (Part 2 drops at noon today.)
Before I went on maternity leave, Doug Fraser of The Noise Gate podcasting newsletter interviewed me about my work on Harvard Thinking. I mostly forgot about it, so it was a pleasant surprise to stumble across it while going through the many emails I missed. To quote myself: “I’ve learned so much from the people I interview. I get to talk to some of the smartest, kindest, most thoughtful people in the world, and then share their wisdom with others. That’s a privilege I don’t take lightly.” Here’s a link to the full issue.
Send us a note 💌
Are you going through any major transitions? What thoughts and emotions do you experience, and how do you work through it? We’d love to hear about your experience. We’re at goshdarnmess@gmail.com.
Until next time,
Sam