Just let them
Warning: I'll be quoting a motivational speaker
Earlier this week, I stumbled on a new episode of the podcast Modern Love. I hadn’t thought about the show in years, but it was one of the first podcasts I listened to regularly back in my twenties. Based on the popular New York Times column, the show usually revolves around an essay about true stories of finding love in modern times.
In the episode I came across, the format was a bit different than I remembered. The host, Anna Martin, was talking to author and motivational speaker Mel Robbins (who of course has her own successful podcast). Robbins was going on about an idea she calls “let them,” which happens to be the title of her latest book.
I’m not usually one for self-help or empowerment content. I’m pretty sure it’s an extended reaction from the years I spent obsessed with 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens and the entire Chicken Soup for the Soul series. I now tend to cringe at the memory of teenage me devouring every inspirational tidbit from those books and therefore shy away from the entire genre, probably unfairly and to my own detriment.
But in this case, I thought, Hey, it’s Modern Love. If nothing else, it’ll be a good conversation and there will probably be a lovely essay along the way.
Robbins kicks off with an anecdote about the time she learned a bunch of her friends had gone on a trip without her. She recalls being on her couch, scrolling through her feeds, when someone’s outfit catches her eye. She zooms in and realizes she knows everyone in the photo, and they are. . . somewhere else. Suddenly it clicks: She didn’t get an invite.
On the show, she acknowledges that it’s healthy to feel hurt by that kind of exclusion. But how to process that hurt? Robbins admits that for most of her life she either turned the feeling inward, calling herself a loser with no friends, or she trashed the people who caused the pain.
The whole episode was so relatable that listening on the train to work, I felt a surge of empathetic hurt. Who hasn’t felt that way at some point in their lives and responded in exactly that manner? “And what ends up happening,” Robbins tells Martin, “is all of that negative emotion separates you both from people that you want to be connected with, and it also separates you from the power that you have in that moment.”
So, instead, she let them: She let those bitches go away without her, as she colorfully put it. And soon the idea began to apply to other parts of her life. “Let them do construction. Let them have a long line today at the grocery store. Let my mother be in a bad mood,” Robbins says.
The power in the concept is twofold. First, by saying “let them,” she’s recognizing that these are things she has no control over. And by recognizing that lack of control, she is deciding that she will not spend her time and energy trying to exert her influence over that event. Boom.
Simultaneously, she’s identifying the parts of what happened that are in her control and taking responsibility for them. In the case of the friends who didn’t invite her on the trip, she asked herself: When was the last time I invited them anywhere? Am I taking care of my friendships the way I should be?
Needless to say, the “let them” theory hit. I thought about how it annoys me when my husband leaves random stuff on the kitchen counter, or how it frustrates me when I struggle to stay on top of things at work, or how I sometimes feel jealous and small when I see people casually out in the world with their adorable children that I don’t yet have.
Those are, according to Robbins, very healthy, reasonable feelings. But under the “let them” theory, I could also: let my husband leave his detritus on the counter and accept that that is part of his routine. And I could take the part I do control and maybe discuss with him, calmly and rationally, why it’s not my favorite of his habits and could we maybe find a middle ground that isn’t terribly disruptive to either of us?
I could let my coworkers put whatever they need to on my calendar and – instead of feeling overwhelmed and incompetent – put more effort into anticipating what interviews or stories might be down the pipe, so that I’m prepared when they do come my way. And I could certainly let people be in public with their children, not take it personally, and remember that I decided to wait to have kids. Plus I have plenty of friends who are incredibly supportive of my journey and a husband who’s sweet and loving and as eager as I am to start a family.
Of course, as obvious as these approaches might seem, it’s not easy to “let them.” The theory is a tool, and you don’t let an eight-year-old pick up a jackhammer and expect them to know how to use it. And as Robbins says in the podcast, we’re all just eight-year-olds in big bodies, learning to understand our feelings. Embracing the idea that we can’t control everything happens to us takes work, as most important things do.
There’s one more thing about that episode that really resonated. Near the end, Robbins reads the mandatory Modern Love essay. This one’s about a woman who – post-divorce and with two grown children – goes on the apps to find love. She winds up seeing this rock climber, and despite her misgivings about the sport, she finds herself on a cliff face, trying to make it to the top where the guy is waiting for her. The woman is terrified, she yells at him to shut up as he tries to coax her up the side of this mountain. When she finally makes it, she realizes that she had to trust this man with her life. And that, for him to make it up all the way, he had to trust her, too.
Robbins takes that story as an example of “let them” at both the relationship level and the broader life level. Instead of disqualifying the man because he was into something she wasn’t, and in the process disqualifying herself from attempting the connection with him, the woman allowed him in. She let him into her life as himself, and she let herself be who she is – a screaming, hysterical, horrified person who did the thing anyway – with him.
Ultimately, my read on this whole idea is that it’s about allowing the bad to come with the good, learning to distinguish between the parts we can change and those we can’t, and uncrossing our arms in the face of the pain, fear, absurdity, joy, and wonder that the universe throws at us. It’s a risk, sure. But likely one that’s worthwhile.
One parting quote from Mel Robbins:
I think it’s easier in life if you open your arms and lean in. . . . When you open your arms to the world, I believe it opens its arms back to you.
Small victories 🏅
Totally unrelated to above, but after being sick for a few days and then traveling for a couple weeks in a row, I’ve finally gotten back to working out this week. It feels. . . sore! Just kidding.
Or, I mean it’s true, but it also feels great to get my body moving again. I swore to myself a while ago that I’d stay consistent with exercise, and though I haven’t always scored aces, I can say for the first time in my life that I’ve stuck with a rhythm that makes me feel good about myself – physically and mentally.
Hot mess recs 🔥
Obviously the episode! It’s called “Let Mel Robbins Share Her 5 Tips for a Healthy Relationship.” Not sure it’s cured me of my Pavlovian response to empowerment content – I’m not quite ready to go out and buy her book – but I do recommend checking out the episode before they make you have to pay to hear it. (Most Modern Love episodes are behind a paywall these days.)
A tidbit from Sam: Whenever she tries to implement something new (for example, this “let them” approach), it can feel daunting. One thing that has helped her tremendously is reframing these shifts as “practicing.” Becoming good at anything requires practice; and it’s a lot more forgiving of an approach than “I tried and failed.” With enough practice, anything can become second nature, even how we handle our big feelings.
I’m a little mad that this newsletter is basically a full-page ad for the Times at this point 🙄 but this cold noodles with zucchini recipe is *chef’s kiss.* Bright and refreshing, with just the right amount of umami. We wanted twice as much of the dish so I played around with the proportions of the sauce – it’s a very forgiving recipe. Also threw in some chili crisp when serving, which I highly recommend for those who like a little heat.
Send us a note 💌
When was the last time you let someone – or just life – do what they will? How did it turn out for you? Would you do anything differently, or stick to your script? We want to hear about it! We’re at goshdarnmess@gmail.com.
Happy summer!
Jess