Kissing hands and shaking babies
The perils of "mom brain" 🤪
When I became a mother, I vastly underestimated the effects it would have on my brain capacity. I often prided myself in my ability to think on my feet, easily make strategic connections, recall people’s names from networking events (most of the time), and sing from memory Disney songs from the 90s. It felt good to be quick, sharp as a tack.
Those days are long gone.
I was warned that I would be tired, my brain fuzzy. To prepare myself for “mom brain,” a phrase often used when you, as the mom, drop the ball on something. It could be non-consequential, like accidentally leaving the house in your slippers (um, guilty) or it could be a little more serious, like turning around to go upstairs and nearly walking straight into a wall that you knew was there but for some reason didn’t register (also guilty). Our ability to recall words and language is greatly diminished, and thoughts seem to vanish into thin air. One day – I can't even remember who I was talking to or what we were talking about – I told someone something along the lines of, "You know, we've got to be out there, kissing hands and shaking babies!"
That's some pretty terrible campaign advice – would not recommend.
But there’s something deeper going on here, and it’s not really connected to becoming a mom, at least not biologically. In an Atlantic article last year, Julie Bogen wrote about how “mom brain” is often invoked as an apology, an explanation for a failure to do a task or meet an expectation. “But much of the time,” she wrote, “[W]hat’s really happening is that mom brains – like all other brains – short-circuit when they are overwhelmed.”
So these wires getting crossed is less to do with some mysterious aspect of motherhood that suddenly makes you stupid, and more to do with having too much on your plate. It’s a symptom of being mentally overwhelmed. It’s not good for our health, this state that leads to so-called “mom brain.” The American Psychological Association says that ongoing stress can cause anxiety, depression, digestive issues, headaches, muscle tension and pain, heart disease, heart attack, high blood pressure, stroke, sleep problems, weight gain, and memory and concentration impairment. It essentially has the power to negatively affect every aspect of our lives.
Those early years of raising a child are no walk in the park. I’m learning this firsthand as my son gets closer to his second birthday. I knew the newborn days were going to be a particular challenge, with the sleep deprivation and nighttime feeds. But I didn’t anticipate what current research is showing, which is that on average, it takes parents – especially moms – nearly six years to bounce back to pre-pregnancy levels of sleep satisfaction and duration. That’s a long time.
Another thing I didn’t know was that when I became a mother, my brain changed more than it would at any other point my life – including puberty. And I thought puberty was bad, but apparently my brain is going through that hot mess again on steroids. The New York Times reported a few years ago that for a long time, nobody really knew how the brain changed during and after pregnancy. That’s starting to change. According to one study that compared the brain scans of women who had given birth and women who had not, the biological changes in the brain before and after birth were so pronounced that a computer algorithm could tell from the scan which patients had given birth. The researcher said at the time, “I’ve never seen anything like these changes.” That’s insane! We’re just scratching the surface when it comes to better understanding what happens to women after childbirth, but it’s clear that the brain undergoes a massive transformation. To brush it off as “mom brain” is at best minimizing the amazing capacity of women to undergo change and at worst shaming moms into thinking there’s something wrong with them for simply being human.
As a mom, what do I do with all that? It’s one thing to know that things that are happening to my biology are out of my control, that I’m overwhelmed, and that the brain fog is setting in. But the next steps aren’t always clear. What Bogen wrote about her own experience really resonated with me:
I have to stop myself from saying I have “mom brain” when I can’t keep up with everything. I should be demanding the help I so clearly need, but between my husband’s nonnegotiable schedule at the hospital, my own fear of becoming the stereotype of a nagging shrew, and my anxiety around overextending our family financially by trying to outsource, that’s much easier said than done.
The struggle is real. As a woman, it’s already hard to ask for help in a society that expects you to do it all, seamlessly and with a smile on your face. When I’m feeling diminished and not like my typical plucky self, it’s tempting to fall into the trap of believing I’m not being or doing enough, that somehow my less-than-perfect navigation of life is indicative of failure.
It’s simply not true. Me being overwhelmed does not mean I’ve failed. It might mean that I need to open up about when I’m stuck, and reach out for support even when it’s difficult. It might mean I need to ask for help, or re-evaluate my priorities so they align with my values. It might mean saying no to some things, and yes to others. Is it always perfect? No. I think it's a moment to remember that our lives – and brain function – are fluid; we go through ebbs and flows of being really with it, then not so much. Sometimes I may not even be aware that I need help, but the more I’m in tune with myself the more I can invite others to walk with me through my challenges, rather than try to go it alone.
There’s power in extending grace to ourselves: we are valuable, worthy, and perfectly imperfect just the way we are. Whether it's an off day, week, or six years (oof), we still matter and we can still show up each day, for ourselves. And invite others into our journey.
Small victories 🏅
August marks ONE YEAR of The Mess with Sam and Jess 🎉 What a journey it’s been! Thank you so much to everyone who has supported this passion project. We hope that you’ve enjoyed it as much as we have. Here’s to many more!
In other news, this isn’t really about me, but one of my sisters (and reader of this Mess) just started med school! I’m so so proud of her; she’s had a hard and messy journey getting to this place. I can’t wait to see how her career in medicine continues to unfold.
Hot mess recs 🔥
If you haven’t seen the Barbie movie, go see it. It was such a joy to watch, and one that I would recommend seeing in theaters if you can! America Ferrera’s moving speech about womanhood is everything.
I’ve been meaning to share a few of my favorite parenting Instagram accounts for awhile! First, @kimono_mom features a mother and her very young daughter cooking Japanese food together. Sutan, the daughter, is a precocious little thing, and might be a better chef than me. @bigtimeadulting is another hilarious account, featuring a very real and honest mom who’s not afraid to let her freak flag fly. And on a more serious note, @thegentlemamma offers a lot of support and resources for parents trying to parent in a new, more compassionate way.
Recently, I wrote an essay for the Monitor about how my tiny tyrant has reawakened my sense of wonder. It’s an ode to appreciating the small, tiny wonders that make life so beautiful.
Jess believes that whether it’s dealing with mom stress or with regular stress, retail therapy can be a balm. (Although of course try to stick to budget! Overspending is its own kind of stress. 💸) Quince is one brand that she loves, with its decent price point, promise of sustainability, and – most importantly – quality stuff. The linen pants and button-down shirt Jess got from there a couple years ago are some of her favorite items of clothing. And the company has since expanded to kids’ clothes and home goods, so it’s totally parent-friendly.
Send us a note 💌
Are you a parent? Tell us about your journey, or if you found this issue helpful. Heck, even if you’re not a parent but can relate to what it’s like to be in a constant state of stress, we’d love to hear from you.
Until next time,
Sam
Preach!