That's not how I remember it
Age comes with terrifying perspective shifts
The show Gilmore Girls occupies a specific place in my life. I don’t recall exactly when I started watching it, and I’m not sure how many plot points I can bring to mind off-the-cuff with any accuracy. But I’m convinced that it’s a core experience, a milestone artifact in my march toward young adulthood.
Real quick, for those not familiar: Gilmore Girls is a TV series that ran from 2000 to 2007, about single mom Lorelai Gilmore and her teenage daughter Rory. The show, set in a storybook Connecticut town called Stars Hollow, followed the Gilmores as they navigated relationships with their kooky neighbors, Lorelai’s problematic parents, Rory’s snooty private school classmates, and each other.
It doesn’t sound like much by today’s TV standards, but I loved it. A lot of other people (mostly girls my age) did too. I think it had to do with the show’s utterly endearing quality. Every character had a lovable quirk: Sweet and scatterbrained Sookie St. James, who was Lorelai’s adult best friend, also happened to be a brilliant chef. Paris Geller, Rory’s school rival-turned-friend, revealed over the course of the show that her sharp exterior was a defense for her vulnerability. Gruff diner owner Luke Danes was in fact a softie who was totally in love with Lorelai. You get the picture.
But it was Rory’s relationship with Lorelai that really resonated with me. I was at a point in my life when I was testing the bounds of adolescence, and as a result clashing with my mom in new and often painful ways. By contrast, the Gilmores seemed like the ultimate mother-daughter team. Rory supported Lorelai’s dreams of starting her own business, and Lorelai did everything she could to help Rory succeed in school and in life. They shared clothes, exchanged witty banter, drank unwholesome amounts of coffee, and talked about boys (or men, in Lorelai’s case). They fought sometimes – it was a drama, after all – but in the end, they were each other’s number one. To me, Lorelai was peak mom.
That impression stayed with me for years.
Recently (and for reasons unknown), my buddy Collin started watching Gilmore Girls for the first time. As he cruised through the episodes, we started talking about his observations of the plot lines and the characters… and something strange happened. I realized the show wasn’t what I remembered. Or at least, my feelings toward it today are not the same ones I had the first time around.
Some of my new reactions don’t surprise me. I used to dismiss the character of Luke as just an older dude wanting to get with the mom. But in rewatching the show, I did a double take. Luke is hot. No way I would’ve noticed that at age fifteen, but at thirty-five? As my friend Erica put it, hubba hubba.
But there were other things that gave me pause. Like in one episode early in the first season: Lorelai oversleeps on the morning she’s supposed to take Rory to her first day at her new elite private school. As Lorelai rushes to get ready, she realizes that all her good clothes are at the cleaners. She throws on a tie-dye t-shirt, a tiny pair of cutoff shorts, and cowboy boots. The outfit becomes the source of drama when Lorelai meets with the school headmaster – and Lorelai’s own mother, Emily, who’s at the school for Rory’s first day.
Back in the day I rolled my eyes and thought that Emily and the headmaster were overreacting. What a couple of sticks-in-the-mud! Of course those old people would be upset, him in his suit-and-tie and Emily in her pearls. Besides, Lorelai looked awesome – legs for days. I could only wish I looked that good in that outfit.
When I saw that episode again last week, I still rolled my eyes at the old folks… but I also couldn’t help but see Emily’s side just a bit better. Was it possible that Lorelai didn’t have, I don’t know, a single viable pair of jeans at hand? Did she really have to resort to hot pants? Also, like, do your laundry, woman!
Nuances also became more obvious to me. Like the way Lorelai clearly needed Rory to be on her side when it came to her parents. She had a complicated relationship with them; Emily and Richard were terrible elitists, and they often refused to give Lorelai any space to be herself. Still, when I rewatched the episode where Lorelai lashed out at Rory for spending time with Richard, her pettiness grated on me more than it had when I saw it originally. At the same time, it was also clearer to me that a mom could feel jealous of how her parents treat her daughter.
All those messy adult emotions flew right over my head the first time. And it was because what I was looking for then was something that fit my narrow teenage perspective. I wanted an uncomplicated mother who was just cool and fun, and that’s what I saw. Now, years later, I’m more sympathetic to characters I once dismissed as unimportant. Because now I see where they’re coming from.
I’ve been catching myself doing this a lot, reexamining my youthful opinions and ideas. Not to correct myself, exactly, but to reflect on the ways I’ve changed – and how those changes have led to a kind of reorientation. I am standing in a different place than twenty years ago. As a result I am seeing the world differently. And I’m only just beginning to understand what that means: That things I think are immutable, beliefs that I hold dear, notions that I think are brilliant… all that could change, depending on what I experience in the coming years.
You know that old adage, youth is wasted on the young? I don’t think wasted is the right word. But I do think I’d be a way better young person now than I was when I actually was young. And there’s a disdain that can come with that realization, a looking-down-your-nose at people who haven’t grown into their experiences and who don’t understand that they’re only in that space for a blink of an eye.
This, to my amusement and chagrin, is how we become our parents in the worst ways. But I’m hoping that recognizing I’m on this road can help me become less dismissive and more empathetic. We don’t know how life is going to change us. The best thing to do is embrace what I can, and try not to forget what it was like to be that other, younger person.
Small victories 🏅
Not quite a victory, just something to look forward to: I’m going to the Philippines! My last trip back was in September 2019 for a friend’s wedding. I’m super excited to see friends and family again and spend some time at the beach, not to mention take a couple weeks off work. (But don’t worry, we won’t be skipping the newsletter, Sam will take care of you all while I’m away.) I’ll try to remember to take pictures and share them on social!
Hot mess recs 🔥
Where have I been watching Gilmore Girls, you ask? Why, all the episodes are on Netflix! Give the show a go if you haven’t yet. It’s got some great 2000s fashion moments – and some surprisingly familiar faces.
After a year of hard work, Sam’s podcast has finally launched! It’s called Harvard Thinking, and it brings super smart people from around Harvard together to have candid conversations about issues many of us face in everyday life. The first episode: How much is too much when it comes to drinking? Give it a listen here!
So yes, I’ve concluded that a tie-dye t-shirt, cutoff shorts, and cowboy boots is not an appropriate outfit for a meeting with the headmaster. Lol. But on a somewhat related note, Sam is struggling – along with many millennials – to figure out what the heck is cool-yet-classy to where these days. She found this article (complete with TikTok tutorials) from the New York Times very helpful.
Send us a note 💌
I’m off on vacation soon! My dearest wish is that I come back to a bunch of emails from you all about things you’ve changed your mind about as you’ve gotten older. (Also your reactions to Gilmore Girls.) We’re at goshdarnmess@gmail.com.
‘Til next time!
Jess